Nudist Cruise Read online

  We got lucky with Vietnam. You can fill out all the forms and do everything online. If you are approved, they put the visa in your passport when you enter the country. If you are not approved, you were not going to get a visa anyway. This meant we did not have to give anyone our passports. Giving them to any embassy this late would run the very real risk of not getting them back in time to go on the cruise at all. With Vietnam’s online system, we could keep our passports with us the whole time.

  Liam and I decided that if either of us did not get approved for the Vietnam visa then we would both stay on the ship while it was docked in Ho Chi Minh. We would miss seeing the city, but at least we would get to spend time together on the ship. If we were both approved then we would look around the city.

  I like to travel more than Liam does. He likes to go places, but he does not like to explore as much as I do. I like to dig into a place and see what’s going on. I want to see what it is all about and try to figure out the culture as much as I can in the short amount of time I am there. Liam likes to sit around the hotel room in his boxers watching TV and eating snacks from the mini bar.

  When we went to Bali, we had a very nice private villa. Liam just wanted to stay there the whole time. I loved the villa – it was great – but I also wanted to look around Bali. I had never been there before and I don’t know if I will ever go back. The villa was like a really nice hotel, but I would hate to go somewhere and not see anything outside of the hotel.

  I was a little worried that this cruise would be like Bali. Since this ship was so nice, Liam might never want to get off it and explore all the cities where it stops. As it was, we did not know if we would be able to get off in Ho Chi Minh and we were not sure if we even wanted to get off in Hong Kong. It left from Shanghai, so we did not know how much time we would have there before I got my plane ticket. That left us with Xiamen and Bangkok as the only two stops we might really be able to enjoy.

  I didn’t know anything about Xiamen before this cruise. I knew it was in China and close to Hong Kong. That was about it. I had no idea what there was to see or do. We already looked up information about Bangkok before we took our Bali trip, so we both had some ideas about what to do there.

  There were two full days that the ship was at sea – one day between Shanghai and Xiamen and another between Hong Kong and Ho Chi Minh. If we stayed on the ship at Ho Chi Minh because we did not have visas, and we stayed on the ship at Hong Kong because I live there and Liam used to, that would give us four full days in a row on the ship, according to the schedule.

  I had no idea what was in Xiamen, but I knew that if I was there, I wanted to get off the ship and look around. Liam was kind of burned out with China, so he was not at all interested in going to Xiamen, but I was sure I could talk him into spending the day with me off the ship.

  Chapter 2: Everybody’s Naked

  Booking the plane tickets was not the easiest thing in the world. Airlines want you to take round trip flights, but my flights were from Hong Kong to Shanghai and then Bangkok to Hong Kong. That just confuses their websites. Liam was going to fly from Fuzhou to Hong Kong where we planned on spending a day together before he went on the ship. Then he would come with me from Bangkok to Hong Kong and then fly back to Fuzhou by himself.

  Getting us both on the same flight from Bangkok to Hong Kong was easier than I expected. Since it was at the end of the cruise, we did not have any real deadlines, except that we both had to go back to work. Liam’s flights from Fuzhou to Hong Kong were easy because they were round trips.

  The hardest part, other than flying out of cities we never flew into, was scheduling my flight to Shanghai. I wanted to get there early enough that I would not miss the ship if the flight was delayed, but there was little point in getting there too early. Liam would already be on the ship by then, so he would not get into Shanghai until the ship did. We were not going to spend much time together in Shanghai no matter what we did.

  I would not mind exploring Shanghai, but if I went there early, I would have to do everything alone. There was also the issue of my job. I was already taking seven days off to take this cruise, and Liam and I talked about spending an extra day or two in Bangkok at the end of the cruise. Any more time in Shanghai would just be more days off work, which I don’t get paid for and they don’t really like me taking, especially in summer. Summer and Christmas/Chinese New Year are our busiest times.

  All the plane tickets were more expensive because they were not simple round trips, but I can’t really complain. The cost of the plane tickets was nothing compared to the listed price of the cruise. We were spending a fraction of what everyone else on that ship spent, especially since we lived in the area. Most of the passengers came from the United States and Europe, so their plane tickets cost a lot more than ours. If it had been a Bahamas cruise then we would have spent a lot more money just getting there.

  After the plane tickets were booked and paid for, I looked up information on Xiamen. I never found anything terribly interesting. Apparently it is famous for shopping and business. That does not interest me all that much since I live in Hong Kong, which is famous for shopping and business. Xiamen also has a famous university, but I never saw how that did us any good. The ship was scheduled to dock there for eight hours. That is not nearly long enough to get a college degree.

  Even if there was nothing in Xiamen, I did not care. I figured if worse comes to worst, we get off the ship, don’t like what we see and go back on the ship. No harm done.

  I knew there would not be any big surprises in the food department. Xiamen is in southeastern China just like Hong Kong, so I thought the food would probably be pretty similar. Xiamen and Hong Kong are in different provinces, so there could be some small differences, but they are both right next to each other, so it would not be like Hong Kong and Beijing. China has a lot of variety in food, but places that are right next to each other are usually the same. There is far more variety than any of the Chinese food I ever ate in the United States. One of the first things you notice when you move to China is how different authentic Chinese food is to American Chinese food.

  We had more than enough free food on the ship anyway. The price of the ticket, which we did not even pay for, included unlimited food at any of the restaurants on the ship. The only thing not included with all of our meals was alcohol, which I can live without. We did not even know if Liam would be allowed to drink since he was supposed to be working there. We did not really know what he would be able to do since he was only a temporary replacement.

  “Are the entertainers allowed to drink on the ship?” Liam asked Sebastian.

  “Not during the day on days when we work,” Sebastian told him. “But after work and on days off, it’s ok. Getting drunk is frowned upon, but lots of people do it anyway.”

  Things that would obviously cost extra were also not included with the ticket price, like shopping, the ship’s casino and any spa treatments.

  In the middle of the ship was a shopping mall. That might seem like a strange thing to have on a boat, but this was a big boat, and people love to go shopping. I like shopping when I need something, but I don’t care about wandering aimlessly around a shopping mall all day. That is Liam’s second favorite thing about me.

  “The first is your big boobs,” he says. “I like to grab them with both hands and…”

  Sometimes Liam talks too much.

  As a guy, Liam hates shopping, so he loves the fact that I don’t drag him to all the malls in Hong Kong.

  “You dragged me to IFC three times,” he complained.

  That is true, but Zara had a pashmina that I wanted, but when I went they did not have it in stock and I had to order it, and when I went back it was not in yet. It was a whole production.

  Shopping malls might be new, but cruise ships have always had casinos. In the past, there were not a lot of places on land where you could legally gamble, and ships at sea operate on a different set of laws. So someone had the bright idea to put gam
bling on cruises. Even before cruise ships were the giant monsters that they are today – with shopping malls, multiple restaurants, theaters and outdoor sports stadiums – they had casinos.

  Liam and I don’t care about gambling, so we knew we would not be spending all of our money in the casino. You can gamble in Hong Kong anyway and Macau is just next door. That is supposed to be the Las Vegas of Asia. It’s really not – we have been there – but people keep saying that it is.

  You can’t gamble naked in Macau, so I thought about the casino on the cruise ship full of naked people. Then I realized it would be just like any other casino, except everyone would be naked, and I lost interest.

  I was interested in the spa, but did not know if I would want to use it. I get regular leg and foot massages in Hong Kong for a very reasonable price. The girl who does my massages is a friend of mine and she knows exactly what I want. I knew the spa in the ship would cost a lot more and there is no way to know if it is any good until you try it.

  Massages for Liam have been nothing but trouble. His first massage in China led to an unfortunate incident, and he offended the Hindu women who did his second massage in Bali. So we both thought it was best if he just stayed away from the spa.

  Shore excursions also cost extra. When the ship docks, you can get off and do whatever you want on your own or you can go on a group tour. The big excursions on this cruise were an island and shopping in Xiamen, Victoria Peak and shopping in Hong Kong, Vietnam war tunnels and shopping in Ho Chi Minh and temples and shopping in Bangkok.

  We decided not to pay extra for any of their group tours for two reasons. The only one that sounded like something we might want to do was the one in Xiamen. With a very small amount of research, I found out that the island is very close to where the ship docks and we could easily get there on our own, and for a lot less money. It is probably harder for most of the cruise passengers to navigate Chinese streets and deal with Chinese taxis, but Liam and I have plenty of experience. If you don’t know China, it is probably best to just pay extra for the group tour.

  Victoria Peak is a must see if you are in Hong Kong, but we have both seen it plenty of times. We know exactly how to get there on our own and we know for a fact that we can do it for a fraction of what they were charging.

  Since the cruise ended in Bangkok, we planned on spending some extra time there anyway. That would cost us more than enough money. We did not feel the need to spend more on a tour of some temples we could probably go to on our own.

  Neither of us cares about the Vietnam War. Liam is more interested in the Civil War, and I think all wars are stupid. I don’t like glamorizing any of them, so those Vietnam tunnels are just not that exciting to us. Ho Chi Minh probably has a million better things to see anyway.

  The second reason we did not get any of the shore excursion packages was because we did not entirely know what Liam’s schedule would be like. We knew he would be working mostly nights and Sebastian said he would have plenty of time off in the daytime to do things.

  “You’ll be working mostly nights,” Sebastian told him. “But you’ll have plenty of time off in the daytime to do things.”

  So I was right about that, but you are supposed to book and pay for the shore excursions in advance and we did not want to get stuck with something we could not use.

  They want you to pay for everything in advance so you don’t have to use any money on the ship – only whatever you spend in the cities where it docks. That is a good idea because it seems like everything is included. Nothing is free, but when you have already paid, you don’t have to worry about what everything costs. The only bad thing is that you have to plan out every little thing you want to do in advance. Just having a glass of wine with dinner has to be booked weeks ahead of time.

  “What if I want to get drunk?” Liam said earlier.

  “I’m sure you’ll find a way,” I replied.

  Once the plane tickets were booked and I did a little online research about the ship and where we were going, I had to figure out what to pack. I had never been on a cruise before and I was completely lost when it came to what I should bring.

  “This ship’s website suggests wearing business casual in the restaurants and casual clothes on most of the ship,” I told Liam. “They say to bring plenty of sport clothes, bathing suits, exercise clothes, that sort of thing. They also talk about comfortable shoes for the excursions, but I already knew about that.”

  “You don’t need any of that,” Liam said.

  “Well, I’m pretty sure I’ll need most of that,” I replied. “I can’t walk around naked all day.”

  “Actually,” Liam started to talk, but then paused for a long time. “Didn’t I tell you?”

  “Tell me what?” I asked.

  “I thought I told you,” he said. “It’s – how do I say this?”

  “Just tell me.” Now I was worried. I thought he was going to say the whole trip was canceled.

  “It’s a nude cruise,” Liam said.

  I was stunned silent. My mouth was probably open, but he could not see that over the phone.

  “What does that mean?” I asked.

  “Everybody’s naked,” he answered. “The passengers are all nudists.”

  “What the hell?” I was in disbelief. “Is this a joke? Are you messing with me?”

  “No, no, it’s real,” he replied. “I thought I already told you.”

  He knew he had not. I definitely knew he had not.

  “Sebastian works on a nude cruise ship?” I asked. This seemed made up. “Why didn’t their website say anything about this?”

  “No, it’s not the cruise ship,” Liam tried to explain. “The ship is just a normal cruise ship, but sometimes they have special groups on board. Sebastian says sometimes groups will charter the whole ship or sometimes just buy up a lot of tickets.”

  “So there will be some nudists on board?” I asked.

  “No, more than that,” he answered. “Sebastian said they chartered the whole ship.”

  “What does that mean exactly?” I asked.

  “The nudist group booked the whole ship,” he replied. “Everybody on board will be a nudist. Except you. And everyone who works on the ship.”

  “This is crazy,” I said.

  “Not really, if you think about it.” Liam obviously already had time to think about it. “If you’re a nudist in Asia, where are you going to go? The beaches suck. You know that.”

  I did know that.

  “A cruise ship is the perfect place for them,” he added. “They can get naked away from any local laws against it and it’s kind of like being in private.”

  “The ship holds 2,000 people,” I pointed out. “That’s not private.”

  “It is if all 2,000 people are nudists.” Liam had given this a lot more thought than I realized.

  “But I’m not a nudist,” I told him. He already knew that.

  “Yeah, but you didn’t book it through this nudist group,” he said. “You got your ticket through Sebastian.”

  “So you got me on a cruise ship with 2,000 Asian nudists?” I still could not really believe it.

  “I don’t know if they’re all Asians,” he said.

  That was not the important part as far as I was concerned.

  “Do you really want me to go on some wild orgy cruise?” I asked.

  “No, it’s nothing like that,” he said. “In fact, orgies are definitely not allowed.”

  “How do you know?” I asked.

  “There’s a whole list of rules,” he replied. “Sebastian sent me an e-mail. I’ll forward it to you.”

  I could not wait to read that. I also could not believe that Liam waited so long to tell me about it.

  At the same time, I was not all that surprised. Liam had been trying to get me naked in public for a long time. It crossed my mind that he might have set this whole thing up just to get me to walk around naked.

  When I got Sebastian’s e-mail, I saw that Liam was right. T
here really was a whole list of rules for the nudist cruise. The e-mail made it abundantly clear that this was not going to be an orgy cruise. There was a lot about simple nudity not being sexual. I guess there is a point there. I’m naked every time I take a shower and there is nothing sexual about it. I also swam naked a lot in our private pool in Bali. That was only sexual when Liam joined me. There was nothing sexual about simply swimming naked.

  The e-mail reported that the cruise was clothing optional. That meant everyone could be as naked as they wanted to be, but nudity was not required. That made me feel better. I don’t want people telling me what to do on a cruise. That seems to go against the whole point of taking a cruise. I really don’t want people telling me I have to be naked.

  The whole ship was clothing optional, except for formal dining in the main restaurant and on the outer decks while the ship was docked. Everybody had to be clothed anywhere on the ship where they could be seen from the port. Once the ship was away from land, everybody could go nuts.

  The e-mail also made it clear that clothes were required during excursions off the ship, but everyone should have already known that. The Chinese government would not be too happy with a bunch of nudists running around. I doubt they even knew this was a nudist cruise. I can’t say much about Vietnam, but I would be surprised if their government wanted a bunch of tourists wandering the streets naked.

  The “formal dining” part was funny because it said basically that any kind of clothing was good enough. I guess t-shirts and shorts are considered formal compared to completely naked.

  I don’t know why clothes were required in the main restaurant but not for the rest of the restaurants. It might be a health code thing, but if you can be naked in one restaurant, why not all of them? What’s the difference?

  There was a whole list of clothes that were not considered appropriate, mostly lingerie and “fetish wear”. You could be naked, but you could not dress suggestively. I guess that was part of the idea that nudity does not equal sex. They made it clear that this cruise was for nudists, not swingers.