Nudist Cruise Read online

  “Do you want to get breakfast?” I asked him.

  “Mrphrdor,” he answered.

  “There’s a ship full of great food just waiting for us,” I tried to encourage him.

  “I can eat next week,” he said.

  When Liam does not want to get up, he often says things that just don’t sound right. He once asked me to put a bucket by the bed so he would not have to get up to go to the bathroom. Of course, that was never going to happen.

  “So you want to sleep all day?” I asked.

  “Yes,” he said. “And the day after that. And the day after that. And the — ”

  “There are naked women walking around outside,” I interrupted.

  Just like when a sleeping cat suddenly hears the sound of a bird, Liam was awake and alert.

  “You saw them?” he asked. “Naked? Totally naked?”

  “Yes,” I answered. “Naked women, naked men. Everybody’s naked.”

  “I don’t care about the men,” he said.

  Not everybody was walking around naked. It was still fairly early and most of the passengers were probably asleep. I saw a few clothed people, but there were also plenty of naked people.

  “This is a sea day,” I told Liam. “They’ll be naked all day.”

  Liam was wide awake. It was like he heard the sound of a beer can opening.

  “I don’t suppose you’re going naked?” he asked me.

  I had a towel wrapped around my body, so in Liam’s mind all I had to do was drop it on the floor and I would be ready to go. I was more inclined to put on clothes. Much to my surprise, Liam also got dressed.

  “You don’t want to go naked?” I asked him.

  “I don’t want to go outside naked and find out I’m the only one,” he replied.

  “You don’t trust me?” I asked. “You think I’d tell you everyone was naked just so I could watch you go out naked?”

  “Yes,” he answered.

  It was not a matter of trust. That is the kind of thing I just might do. He is always talking about doing things naked and he is always trying to get me naked, so in a unique situation like this, I could see myself playing a little trick on him. He knows me well enough to know that I would do it.

  In this case, however, people really were naked outside. Liam was not so sure about that, so he got dressed and we went out to breakfast.

  In the hallway we saw a naked man. He was pretty far away, but you could tell he was naked.

  “See?” I said to Liam. “Naked people.”

  “That’s a guy,” Liam said. “Doesn’t count.”

  At the elevator we saw another naked man. He walked by the elevator, but did not get in it.

  “Going down?” I asked him when we were in the elevator.

  He shook his head and waved his hand, virtually saying no.

  “I don’t like it when you say ‘going down’ to a naked man,” Liam said.

  “Should I have asked him if he was going down to eat?” I asked Liam.

  On the way to the main restaurant we saw a few naked people. They were mostly men, but there were a few couples. When Liam saw his first nudist woman, he was not impressed.

  “She doesn’t hold a candle to you,” he told me.

  He was not trying to flatter me. He was genuinely not attracted to that woman. He was hoping the cruise would be full of naked supermodels, but that was never going to happen.

  “Yes, but you’d say that about all these women, right?” I asked him.

  Liam could tell he put himself in a tight spot.

  “Of course,” he said, trying to save himself. “You’re better than all of them.”

  “It’s not a competition,” I told him.

  When we sat down in the restaurant, Liam seemed disappointed that everyone was wearing clothes.

  “You’re not allowed to get naked in this restaurant,” I told Liam after we sat down.

  “Even though the nudist part has already started?” he asked.

  “Never,” I answered. “This restaurant is the one place that will always be off limits.”

  “So while we’re eating breakfast, there could be naked people all over the ship except in here,” he suggested.

  “Are you having a déjà vu moment?” I asked.

  “Is that what you call it when you’re stuck in the only room that doesn’t have naked chicks?”

  Liam wanted to go out and see as much of the ship after breakfast as possible. Meaning he wanted to see as many naked women as possible. He had to work later that night and there was a stop the next day, so that meant people could not be naked most of the day. Sea days were the best time to be completely surrounded by naked.

  We went to the main swimming pool because that seemed like the place to go. It was a bright sunny day, the weather was great, the ship was sailing on the ocean and Liam wanted to be surrounded by naked people. The pool deck was the obvious choice.

  When we got off the elevator, Liam was in heaven. There were naked people everywhere. It was not all that crowded. There was still plenty of room for more people, but just about everyone there was naked.

  Liam was like a kid in a candy store, up until he noticed that there were actual children there.

  “That’s just not right,” he said to me. “Why are there children here?”

  “I guess for the same reasons there are adults here,” I suggested. “They’re swimming and enjoying the sun and having a good time like everyone else.”

  “But that’s a total turn off,” he said, clearly disappointed.

  “I don’t think any of these people are here to turn you on,” I told him.

  I don’t claim to be an expert on the whole nudist lifestyle. I know a lot more about it now than I did before the cruise, but even before I knew anything, I knew that all these people did not go on this cruise just to get my boyfriend excited.

  “You know,” Liam said to me, still disappointed. “These aren’t the most attractive people in the world.”

  “Were you really expecting a ship full of supermodels?” I asked.

  “No,” he answered. “That would be nice, but no. I just wasn’t expecting so many old people.”

  It was not a senior citizen cruise, but most of the people there were older than us. There were a lot of middle aged couples and a few gray heads here and there. Very few people were our age. There were also too many children as far as Liam was concerned. One child was too many as far as he was concerned, but there were actually very few children on board.

  We found a couple of deck chairs and sat down in a shaded area near the pool.

  “Are you going to get naked?” I asked him.

  He always wants to get naked in public and this was the perfect opportunity. Not only could he get naked here without getting arrested, but if he did it, he would fit in with most of the people around us.

  “Not with all these kids around,” he said.

  I did not have the heart to tell him that the children would probably be on the ship for the rest of the cruise.

  “You should get naked, though,” he told me. “Girls can get naked around kids, but if guys do, look out.”

  His logic was not making much sense, especially since there were more naked men on the pool deck than anyone else.

  “What difference does it make?” I asked.

  “If you’re naked around kids, it doesn’t matter,” he said. “If I’m naked around kids, it’s creepy.”

  “I think you’re missing the point of this nudist thing. Look at those girls over there,” I said, pointing to two children who I assumed were sisters.

  “I can’t look at them,” Liam said. “They’re naked.”

  “They’re naked and they don’t care if there are naked men all over the pace,” I pointed out. “And no one cares that they’re naked. Everyone’s just enjoying the sun and pool. It’s like it almost doesn’t matter that they’re all naked.”

  An older British couple walked past us. They were not especially old, but they
were older than us, maybe in their forties. They were both completely naked. The man stopped and turned back toward us.

  “First time?” he asked us.

  “No, we’ve had sex lots of times,” I expected Liam to say, but he did not. Thankfully.

  The woman also turned to face us, but she never said much of anything.

  “How can you tell?” I asked, answering the man.

  The man looked around, which caused Liam and me to automatically look around, too.

  “You two are the only ones out of uniform,” the man told us.

  “Uniform?” Liam asked.

  He did not understand that the man was saying that being naked was the standard uniform for nudists. We were obviously not dressed, or undressed, like the rest of them.

  “We’re working up to it,” I told the man.

  “You should really take advantage of it while you can,” the man said. “There are only two days at sea. When we’re in port, you have to put on the textiles.”

  He had a valid point, but I was never there for the nudity. This could have just as easily been a specialty cruise for tournament poker players as far as I was concerned.

  “Don’t listen to him,” the woman told us. “It’s clothing optional. That means you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

  “But you should give it a go,” the man said. “You just might like it.”

  They had somewhere to be and went back on their way. Liam and I were unsure which of us the man was trying to convince to get naked.

  “He was looking at you the whole time,” Liam told me. “He wanted you to whip ‘em out.”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I think he snuck a few glances at your crotch. Maybe he was hoping you’d whip it out.”

  We agreed that the wife seemed more annoyed by her husband than anything else.

  Looking around at all the people on the pool deck, I noticed that not everyone was naked. I saw two women in bathing suits and another who was topless but clearly had on bottoms. They were all with other naked people. Liam and I were the only clothed couple I could see.

  “You know what they say,” Liam joked. “The only people who get naked are the ones you don’t want to see naked.”

  I could not tell if he was trying to compliment me or himself. Or if he was simply trying to insult the other people out on the pool deck.

  It’s true that the ship was not full of supermodels. Not even close. Not only were most of the people on board older than us, but there were a few who really should think about going on a diet. Naked or clothed, the human body can only handle so much weight before it starts to fall apart. Even so, I thought that Liam was beginning to focus too much on how physically fit or unfit everyone else was. Had this been a clothed cruise, he would have never said anything about anyone’s appearance.

  The ship sailed out of China and the cruise line is half owned by a Chinese company, though the flag at the back of the ship is Panama for some reason. Most of the passengers seemed to be American, Canadian and European. There were very few Asian people at all, and the few we saw could have easily been American, Canadian or European.

  “Asians don’t like to get naked,” Liam decided.

  That might be a pretty big generalization, but we have lived in China for a few years and we have both noticed that Asians, or at least the Chinese, are not big fans of flaunting their bodies. They seem to be pretty conservative when it comes to public behavior, so it did not surprise either of us that our nudist cruise in Asia was not full of Asians.

  Another thing I have noticed from living in China is that Americans are fat. Obviously not everybody, but I mostly see skinny Chinese people all day, so whenever I see Americans, they look huge by comparison.

  In Hong Kong you will see a few Americans here and there and a lot of Canadians. I don’t know why there are more Canadians than Americans. Since we are from Minnesota, we can spot the Canadians right away. Everyone can spot the Americans. No matter where you go in the world, we Americans have a way of making ourselves known.

  Europeans are harder to identify. Probably because Europe has a bunch of different countries with different languages and cultures. Though one thing I have noticed is that Europeans in general are not as fat as Americans.

  The pool deck had a mix of very fit people who obviously take care of their bodies and people who let themselves go a long time ago. I think the majority were somewhere in between.

  One thing I noticed that they all had in common was that everyone seemed to be comfortable in their own skin. The women with big thighs or saggy breasts seemed just as at ease as the men with bulging beer guts. Very few of the bodies were perfect tens, but no one seemed to be self-conscious about having basic human imperfections.

  Liam was disappointed that most of the naked people looked like normal people, but I thought it was great. One of my biggest fears before I got on the ship, besides the whole mass orgy thing, was that everyone would have perfect bodies and I would look like me. A deck full of naked airbrushed supermodels would only make me notice every little imperfection in my own body even more. A deck full of regular people with regular flaws only made me more comfortable.

  I still was not about to get naked, but their nudity did not make me feel bad about myself at all.

  Chapter 9: Checkers with Tina

  Liam had an afternoon show, so he had to go and get ready. Days at sea had more entertainment and activities than days in port and that meant Liam had more work to do. I went with him down to the theater, but I could only go so far. After he disappeared backstage, I walked around the indoor deck, which had most of the big shopping mall. It was just like any other shopping mall, except that it was on a boat and there were a bunch of naked people shopping.

  I’m not a big fan of malls, but I have been to a few. I used to live near Mall of America, one of the largest shopping malls in the world. I currently live in Hong Kong, which is like a giant shopping mall. I would rather buy something from a small mom and pop store, but there seem to be fewer and fewer of them around. Sometimes a mall is just easier. Mall of America has pretty much everything you could ever need, and if you want to go to a quality grocery store in Hong Kong, you pretty much have to go through the malls to get to them.

  I have seen mall crowds so large that you could not walk around. I have seen all kinds of performances. I have even been in a few of them. I have seen politicians campaigning during elections and celebrities promoting their latest movie, song or book written by someone else. I saw a crazy man in America screaming bible quotes and a crazy man in China just screaming. I even saw a woman use a fountain as a toilet, but that is not so rare in China. One thing I had never seen in any mall I have ever been to was a bunch of nudists.

  It was a sight to see all these naked people shopping for coffee mugs and t-shirts. I could not help but laugh as I watched a naked woman hold a t-shirt up to herself to check the size. I guess it makes perfect sense. They have to wear clothes most of the time just like everyone else, but it struck me as funny.

  What really caught my attention was that in a clothes store, people still went into the changing rooms to try on clothes. They were completely naked outside of the changing rooms, but when they wanted to try something on, they needed privacy.

  “Is this weird for you?” I asked a woman who was working in one of the clothes stores. “All these naked people running around?”

  “I don’t mind,” she said.

  She had some kind of Asian accent, definitely not Chinese. I did not think to ask her where she was from.

  “Everyone is very nice,” she added. “Very polite.”

  “Why are they going into the changing rooms? Is it store policy or something?”

  “Usually people do,” she said. “This cruise is different. I don’t know.”

  “Do you have to tell people to use the changing rooms?” I asked. “Do they just start trying on clothes in the middle of the store?”

  “I’ve never a
sked anyone to use them,” she answered. “Everyone goes in on their own. Habit, I guess.”

  The woman who worked at the clothes store was good to talk to, but I got the impression that she was never going to say anything negative about all the nudity whether she wanted to or not. She was an employee and I was obviously a passenger, even though I was wearing clothes. So there was no way she was not going to be anything but polite and friendly. The people who worked on this ship all seemed pretty well trained. If any of them had a problem with nudity, they were not about to let any of us know.

  I took the stairs up because I knew that lower decks were just food and cabins. I usually used the stairs when I was not with Liam, unless I was going several flights. I figured I might as well get in as much exercise on this cruise as I could, especially with all that food. Liam prefers the safety of elevators.

  The next deck above the shopping mall was my cabin deck. I did not need to go to the cabin and I knew there was nothing else on that deck, so I kept going up. I found myself on the deck with the children’s swimming pool. It was not empty this time. There were a few children swimming and running around and a few parents watching them and hanging out. Everybody was naked – except the lifeguard, the guy working the snack bar and me.

  I went up to the snack bar and started talking to the guy. I figured it was better than bugging the lifeguard. The children’s pool was pretty small, but the lifeguard’s job is still serious.

  “I guess you really have to like children to work here,” I said to the snack bar guy. “Does it take long to get used to all the screaming?”

  “I usually work at the buffet,” he told me. “I’m just filling in here, but no, the volume doesn’t bother me. I have a lot of nieces and nephews, so I’m used to it.”

  “I bet they don’t run around naked though,” I said.

  “No,” he laughed. “Swimsuits are required in my sister’s pool.”

  He thought about it for a minute, as if we were doing an interview. I suppose in a way we were.

  “But you know,” he added. “This makes more sense in a lot of ways.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.