Nudist Cruise Read online

  “But I haven’t seen any Chinese people on board,” Liam laughed.

  Liam is not a racist person, but he has started to develop a dislike of Chinese people. He does not like living in China and that is only making him resent Chinese people. He has never been politically correct, so some of his random observations will often show up as highly inappropriate comments.

  It is a very different culture and you have to be pretty open minded if you don’t want to be personally offended by things they do that seem completely acceptable to them but exceptionally rude to us. When they spit on the sidewalk right in front of me or stare at me and scream “foreigner!”, I just tell myself that my culture is as strange to them as theirs is to me. Since I am the visitor in their country, it is up to me to adapt. They should not have to adapt to my ways, and after two years in Hong Kong, I know they are never going to.

  Liam and I went to the main restaurant where Liam was disappointed to see that everyone had clothes on.

  “You’re not allowed to get naked in this restaurant,” I told Liam after we sat down.

  “Even after the nudist part starts?” he asked.

  “No, never,” I answered. “This is the one place that’s always off limits.”

  “So there could be naked people running around all over this ship except in here,” he suggested.

  He almost seemed disappointed that we were even in the restaurant at all.

  “Maybe,” I said. “But you said you were hungry. We didn’t see anybody naked on the way here anyway.”

  We only saw a few people between our lifeboat and the restaurant and none of them were even close to being naked. I just assumed that naked time had not started yet since I never heard the big naked announcement.

  “That’s typical,” Liam sighed. “My first night on a nudist cruise and I have to work.”

  “I thought you weren’t on until tomorrow,” I said.

  “Yes, but I have a rehearsal tonight,” he told me. “I’ll be downstairs all night. I guarantee nobody’s getting naked down there.”

  By “downstairs” he meant the lower decks of the ship where passengers are never allowed to go. That was where he slept before we had a cabin. He did not particularly like it down there.

  “Don’t you rehearse in the theater?” I asked.

  “Usually,” he answered. “But today’s the beginning of a new cruise, so there’s a big welcome show. They had all the rehearsal space. I have to go downstairs on the first day and the last full night of the cruise.”

  “What’s the last night?” I asked.

  “That’s the big farewell show,” he answered.

  I already had reservations to Liam’s performances and a few other shows, but I did not want to go to the opener. It was supposed to be welcoming speeches by crew members, some famous magician that I had never heard of and people who swallow swords and eat fire. It just did not sound interesting to me. I like the shows with singing and dancing. There is too much to do on the ship to spend all night watching shows anyway.

  Liam ate a lot. I was pretty much just there to keep him company. I ate earlier, but I knew I would probably want something later on.

  “There’s food on this boat 24/7,” Liam said. “You can eat a full meal at 3 am if you want.”

  I did not want that, but I thought I might want a snack sometime before the night ended.

  The restaurant was full, but while looking around, I did not recognize anyone from the muster drill.

  “There are lots of other places to eat,” Liam said. “They could never fit everyone in here all at the same time anyway.”

  “I’m just always amazed by how many people I don’t see,” I told Liam. “There are 2,000 people on board but I never see more than a hundred at a time.”

  “It’s a very big ship,” Liam said. “There are a million places to go. Everybody’s probably naked at the pool right now.”

  I could see him imagining tons of naked women splashing around and acting like they were in a beer commercial.

  “You’ll see plenty of naked girls,” I assured him. “Don’t worry.”

  “I hope so,” he said.

  “Just remember that I’ll be looking at plenty of naked guys while you do,” I pointed out.

  That stopped him from fantasizing about naked supermodels for a second.

  “You don’t even like seeing people naked,” he said. “You don’t even like looking at yourself naked.”

  “Maybe,” I replied. “But this cruise is going to be one big penis festival. I’ll be looking at hundreds every day.”

  Liam did not seem to like the thought of me looking at other men naked. When he heard it was a nudist cruise, he just pictured naked women. He never thought about all the naked men.

  “I just hope I can control myself,” I said.

  He knew I would probably be the least aroused person on the ship, but I did not see any problem with making him feel uncomfortable. He brought me on a ship where he knew I would be uncomfortable for the next week.

  After dinner, Liam had to go to work, so he disappeared deep into the bowels of the ship. I could only go with him to the elevator. Once the elevator doors closed, I knew I had the rest of the night to myself. I was on a giant ship sailing off the coast of China with 2,000 other people and a million things to do, and I had absolutely no idea what to do next.

  I went out on deck to watch the sunset. There were a lot of other people doing the same thing. Since we were off the east coast of China and the sun sets in the west, it was not as good as watching the sun set over the ocean, but there were still plenty of couples standing against the railings.

  It looked like I was the only one there without a partner. Just like when the ship first left Shanghai, everyone else was paired off and I was by myself. We were only on this ship because Liam was working, but since he was working, I spent too many of these romantic moments alone.

  The best views of the sunset over China were near the front of the ship. All the couples were jockeying for the best space. I decided to go to the back of the ship so the couples could have their romantic moment. There would be other sunsets for me, and they look better over the ocean than over some land in the distance anyway.

  I went to the top deck and walked around the sports track, which was basically a jogging circuit that went almost all the way around the ship. It seemed like a great place for an early morning run.

  At the back of the ship were a lot of the outdoor sporting activities – the small basketball court, golf driving range and miniature golf course. From the sundeck I could see the children’s pool three decks down. It was completely empty.

  It was a pretty small swimming pool, much smaller than the adult pool, but it was more about water slides and sprinklers than swimming. There was plenty for children to climb and splash around. It was mostly a playground with some water in the middle. Also unlike the adult pool, it had a lifeguard. I thought that was a good idea. Adults are on their own, but when children are in the water, someone has to keep a sharp eye on them. There was no lifeguard right now, which might be why there were no children in the pool.

  I stood near the back of the ship, watching the sky get darker and darker and looking at the huge wake created by this enormous boat. It could have been a romantic moment if my boyfriend was there, but I was not sad or lonely. I actually felt very lucky. I’m just a Midwest girl who could have easily spent the rest of my life in Minnesota, but here I was living in Hong Kong and taking a cruise to Thailand. It is hard to feel sorry for yourself when you are in the middle of a great adventure.

  It was summer in China. Not exactly the coldest place in the world to be, but it still gets a little chilly on the top deck of an enormous cruise ship after the sun goes down. It was hot and humid on land, but it was getting windy on the sports deck.

  I took the nearest stairs down two decks. I had not been on that deck yet, so I wanted to see what was there. It did not take me long to figure out that it was just cabins. There
were some outdoor activities at the very back of the ship, but the rest was just hallways and doors.

  While walking through the hallways, I turned a corner and right there in front of me was a man wearing sandals and a smile. Other than that, he was completely naked. He was holding a towel, but making absolutely no attempt to cover himself with it. I stopped the way you do when you see a completely naked man walking in front of you. He said hello as he walked by me, as if he thought seeing a naked man walking the hallways was an everyday thing for me.

  It all seemed completely normal to him, but it stopped me in my tracks. I knew it was a nudist cruise, but I was not prepared to be confronted by a stranger’s nudity. I was not ready to see a bunch of naked people running around. How do you brace yourself for something like that? Is it better to see a few naked people at a time and slowly increase the volume of nudity or is it better to just open a door into a room full of naked bodies?

  “And where was the big naked announcement?” I asked myself. “Are they allowed to get naked before the announcement? Do they just get naked willy nilly?”

  “You knew it was a nudist cruise,” I answered myself. “What did you expect?”

  “I expected a bunch of naked people in the pool,” I replied to myself. “I expected a big orgy in some ballroom somewhere. I didn’t expect to run into naked guys in the hallway.”

  I decided to get away from that deck before I started to have an argument with myself.

  The more I walked around, the more I started to see more and more naked people – a man here, a couple there. There were still plenty of people with clothes on, but the volume of nudity was slowly increasing. I did not run into any orgies and I did not go to the pool area that night, but it was obvious that the nude cruise had begun. I was officially stuck on a boat between 2,000 people who let it all hang out on one side and my modesty and negative body image on the other side.

  It had been a long and eventful day and I was ready to call it a night. I went back to my cabin, dodging a few naked people along the way. It was only when I was completely alone and in private that I got naked myself. I took a shower and got ready for bed.

  While I was lying on the surprisingly comfortable bed and just starting to drift off to sleep, I heard Liam come into the cabin. I had no idea what time it was, so I could not tell if he finished rehearsals early or late. He climbed into the bed and showed me that not every performance requires extensive rehearsals. We had a matinee earlier in the day, but this was the main event. It was the end of the day and neither of us had anywhere we needed to be. We took our time and he was a perfect gentleman. That’s the way it always should be, but unfortunately it is not.

  We fell asleep in each other’s arms as the ship sailed into the darkness of the ocean. It was like a dream. It might have been a dream. I was half asleep anyway. Except that I woke up the next morning with Liam lying naked next to me.

  While we were drifting off to sleep, I thought about my 21st birthday.

  I have never been comfortable with public nudity. Liam got me a full day of pampering at a luxurious spa on my 21st birthday and I could not fully enjoy it because of the nudity. Hong Kong is famous for its spas, but I had never been to one, mostly because they are expensive and we were trying to save money at the time. We are still trying, just not as hard as we used to.

  A soon as I walked in the door of the spa, I was treated like a princess. They gave me a cup of herbal tea and washed and massaged my feet. This alone would be great after a day of walking around, but there was so much more.

  They wanted me to put on a robe and put my clothes in a basket. They said my clothes would be cleaned and pressed by the time I was finished. This seemed unnecessary since they were already pretty clean, but I realized by the end of the day that I was so scrubbed and detoxified that it only made sense to wear freshly laundered clothes. Some people probably go there after a day of walking around Hong Kong and getting hot and sweaty. Wearing those clothes after the spa would not be right.

  The robe was purely for modesty since it did not stay on very long. They took me to an indoor homemade waterfall shower. It was basically a shower, but it looked like a tropical waterfall. A Chinese lady washed me with a salt scrub – like a bar of soap, but made with salt instead of soap. At first it was weird having a girl wash me. I’m pretty much used to bathing myself, except when Liam joins me, and then he mostly just washes my breasts. This was weird, but it felt good. It took very little time for me to relax and let the pampering happen.

  After the shower, they put me in a very hot bath. I love soaking in a bathtub and I wish we had one in our Hong Kong apartment, but this one was very hot. It was hard to get into at first, but I got used to it and as soon as I was ready to just sit there the whole day, they had me get out and go into a cold bath. Going back and forth is supposed to help with circulation. After I got used to the cold bath, they put me back in the hot one. I liked going from cold to hot better than hot to cold.

  After I was cleaned and circulated, I was back in my robe going to another room. The robe came off again and they had me lie face down on a table. They smeared mud all over my back, butt and legs. They put hot towels on the mud and very carefully rolled me over. Then they smeared mud all over my front. That felt kind of strange because I could see what they were doing and also because they were very thorough. They put that mud everywhere.

  Once I was totally covered in mud from the neck down, they wrapped me in hot towels. The towels were soaked in some kind of oil, but I could not tell what it was. It smelled kind of like vanilla. After the towels, they wrapped me in a few layers of sheets and blankets. I was like a big human burrito.

  While I lay there wrapped up, one of the women gently wiped my face with a hot towel. She gave me a mini face massage with some kind of sponge looking thing and then gave me a scalp massage, which was awesome. Liam likes to play with my hair, but this lady really knew how to get in there and work it.

  They unwrapped me and gave me a bottle of water, which I finished quickly after that mud wrap, and took me to another room. There was no robe this time, but I was totally covered in mud. They hosed me down with a removable shower head – every shower in Hong Kong has one – and scraped off the mud with a curved wooden stick. When I was completely mud free, they toweled me off and rubbed lotion all over my body. Back on went the robe and we were off to yet another room.

  I took off the robe again and lay down on the massage table. A Chinese lady covered my butt with a towel and dripped oil on my back. The towel seemed unnecessary since she had just seen me completely naked. I wasn’t sure if it was for her modesty or mine. I went from robed to naked to toweled so many times it all seemed kind of silly.

  The massage was great. She worked from my shoulders down to my butt then from my feet up to my butt. My butt seemed to be the center of gravity. Eventually she took the towel off and worked on my bare butt itself.

  Normally, someone grabbing my butt doesn’t really do much for me, but she knew what she was doing. The leg part was excellent. As a dancer, I think a good leg massage is worth its weight in gold.

  When she had me turn over, she put the towel back on – over part of me anyway. I was completely topless and not sure I wanted to be. She did more shoulder work and worked on my arms. She gave a great hand massage that I was not expecting. When you say massage, I think shoulders and legs. I never consider massaging my hands.

  When she was doing my stomach, she worked her way up to my breasts. When she first touched them I was a little surprised. I was not expecting a “special service” massage. This did not seem like that kind of place. A friend told me later that they always do your breasts during a full body massage. I guess that is why they call it full body. You can tell it is legitimate by the way they do it. If it feels like your boyfriend, it’s special service. If it feels like a massage, it’s a massage.

  She went for the legs again and I was in heaven again. A few times while she was doing my upper thighs, she aim
ed a little high and brushed against an area that was unquestionably off limits, but it was more like good touch than bad touch. I never had any reason to believe it was anything but an accident. There were a few times that day that I felt uncomfortable, but I’m sure it was more about things in my head than anything they were doing.

  After the massage, a different Chinese lady sat me down in a very comfortable reclining chair and put seaweed goo all over my face. I was so relaxed and the chair was so comfortable that before I knew it, I was asleep. The next thing I knew, I was walking around the spa completely naked except for a towel wrapped around my wet hair. The spa was full of Japanese ladies in kimonos and they were all bowing as I walked by. Then I saw a sign in Chinese that read “NO NUDITY!” with a big exclamation point.

  The John Lennon song “#9 Dream” was playing in the background, only Yoko Ono was singing it instead of John.

  Suddenly all the Japanese ladies were pointing at me and giggling the way Japanese geishas do in movies. I quickly took the towel off my head to cover my nudity and my hair was bright blue. I ran out of the spa and onto the crowded Hong Kong sidewalk in only a towel and blue hair. It suddenly started to rain and my towel and blue hair got wet. I ran into a park and I was in the middle of a nudist colony. There were a bunch of naked Chinese people looking at me and I saw another sign in Chinese that read “NO TOWELS!” The naked Chinese people pointed at me and giggled like Japanese geishas.

  One of the spa ladies woke me up and took the seaweed mask off my face. I was still a little groggy as they did some more work on my face with lotions and oils and I don’t know what while two other Chinese ladies gave me a manicure and pedicure. I was trying to work out which part was a dream and which was really happening. I wondered if all of it could have been a dream.

  After they were completely finished with me, they handed me my freshly laundered clothes all folded and pressed. When I was dressed and ready to leave, I wondered how I should tip. I don’t even know how many different women worked on me. What is the standard tip for a day of pampered paradise? They told me not to tip at all. They said everything was included and fully paid.